I Have a Theory

For a long time now, I have had a visceral and irrational hatred of that little Hayden Panetierre. I don't know exactly why, and I have never even heard her speak, but something about her seriously bugged. And it wasn't just the fact that she's like, 11, and dresses like a weird 40-year-old.

Finally, this morning I found my answer, which came as answers so often do: red carpet pictures of the Kids' Choice Awards. There was Hayden, looking simultaneously 18 and 40, annoying the sh!t out of me. Suddently it dawned on me.

She looks exactly like Rachel Ray, who is my worst nightmare, what with her Dunkin Donuts coffee coolattas and her Wheat Thin bologna sandwiches for dinner. They both have the exact same look of a Barbie doll whose head you have removed, then replaced but smooshed down too far. Any of you out there who, like me, tortured many a Barbie Doll growing up, will know exactly what I am talking about. It's unmistakable.

For further evidence, please see the picture above right, which is also just one of the sickest and most offensive pictures ever taken for more reasons than I can even discuss.

Now, I am not one to shy away from the hard-hitting questions. Why is the truth about these two being kept from us? Is it a larger conspiracy? The Masons? The Illuminati? You decide.